Michelle Bachmann Declares She Won't Seek Re-Election, Jon Stewart And Bill Maher Seen Openly Weeping

Well, it's official.  Michelle Bachmann won't seek reelection.  She's bowing out, passing on the honor of representing her Minnesota district and allowing someone else to answer the call.  From the LA Times:

Rep. Michelle Bachman Says She Won't Run For Reelection In 2014

And here's the official video explaining her decision:

Yeah, it's almost nine minutes long and it's a rambling mess.  But she really wants you to know that she is totally not dropping out because she might lose a tough election or because her presidential campaign is getting investigated.  She then goes on to list her core beliefs and the things she will continue to fight against, including big government, gay marriage, and science in the 21st century.  She then goes even further to rattle off all of her many accomplishments while in office (REGIONAL AIRPORT BITCHES!!!), apparently running for office in a video announcing she is not running for office.

Some other highlights, crapping on Dodd-Frank, representing the US at Margaret Thatcher's funeral who used to work closely with REAGAN!!!  Let's see anyone else out there beat Bachmann's score of quasi-two in the Six Degrees of Ronald Reagan game.  Suck it Jihadist terrorists and I love you Israel.  Liberal media!!!  And the Obama administration sucks ass and Benghazi.  By the end, you almost forget the purpose of the video, her announcement that she's backing out of House politics but totally not because she might lose the election or because of the impending federal investigation.

What struck me the most was how much it must hurt to keep that kind of fake smile plastered on your face for nine straight minutes.  I also felt like the royalty free music looping incessantly was begging for death by the fifth minute.

You know, had she dropped a quick 90 second video announcing her decision not to run and thanking her supporters in a short, sweet, humble fashion, I never would have given it a second thought as to why she wasn't running.  Had she not spent seven straight minutes recapping her political batshittery, I wouldn't be left thinking Minnesota and the United States House deserve better leadership and here's hoping they get it.

So godspeed, Rep. Bachmann in your new life as a private sector lobbyist prostitute or a batshit think tank prostitute.  You mentioned your five children and twenty-three foster children.  I believe that you and your husband and loving parents and good people, but I firmly believe you didn't make the cut as a politician.

Bachmann's brand of right wing politics is the grease on so many ridiculous slippery slopes.  Here's hoping for a more moderate future in Minnesota.